updates

   Ok guys, I know that last blog was pretty depressing so I'll give you a happy update. We finally got a midwife!! Her name is Lynda Hoskins and she delivered 2 of April Parkerson's kids when she lived here in Memphis. We couldn't have asked for a better situation. Lynda came down in price for us (which midwives NEVER do, they don't want to compete with one another), and she's as sweet as pie! She's old school like Ammah and likes to be pretty "hands off", which is exactly what I like. Jeff and I feel really good about her and really feel like God has led us in this direction. And she does waterbirths (ya!!).
   Abba and Nathaniel came out Thursday and gave us some very inspiring things. There was a lot of talk about just going out and trying stuff to see where God's ppl are. (i.e. go to church, a concert, start a neighborhood bible study) They just said make a move in any direction and we'll start to get out of this depressing slump we've been in. Abba actually asked at one point if we ever felt neglected out here! I just about fell out of my seat! I emphatically shook my head 'yes' and thought "he must have read my blog". But I don't think he did, he just knew what we were all feeling. It made me feel better instantly to think that we haven't been forgotten. Anyway, Abba also said that we don't need to walk around thinking that we are here just to build a church. I know for some of us, that really took some pressure off. It's a whole lot more feasible to try and touch individual lives that we see in our day, then it is to try and start a church. That does seem like a lot of pressure. Not that God doesn't want a church here, I think what he's saying is that we need to think small. The Memphis gatehouse would look like a complete failure to most. Let's face it, the only lives they've touched here have all left. But it's not been for nothing. We are seed planters right now. They put a seed into Randy and Beth, Tim and Rustie, the folks in Millington and I believe that God will do something with that in His own timing.
   We've got some rearranging to do here. We have one house with only one family and the other is cramped full of kids. Not to mention the rent being split only 3 ways now instead of 5 (ouch!!). So change is on the horizon, and change is always good. Our God is good and He always provides. Please continue to pray for us and I'll keep you posted. Love you guys!!

Prayers...

Please keep us in your prayers. We are having a hard time trying to find God about our birth. Not too many options and all of them come with some amount of sacrifice. And I'm having a hard time trusting Jeff and God. I sometimes feel like everyone is against me in this birth drama. I've never in my life regretted being pregnant, but it's been happening a lot lately. I don't like feeling this way toward my own child. I didn't plan for any of this to happen but here we are and I just can't see God anywhere. Also please call me or come see me sometime. I miss my friends a lot. I am already pretty emotional just being pregnant, but add to that all the stress of these birth decisions, homeschooling, people moving away, and helping to carry the house next door... I really need my friends. Don't get me wrong, I love Rushie and Aya, but when no one from the village has intentionally contacted you in weeks, it starts to feel like you've been forgotten. I know I could call more, I just get busy and forget to call until it's too late at night. I'm sure that's half the reason ya'll don't call. Just don't forget us out here. Especially now when I think we all feel a bit needy. Love you guys!

Life in Memphis

I've been wanting to write about our life in Memphis for some time now, but for a long time there was nothing happening. No drama at all, just business as usual. It's amazing how you get used to drama on a daily basis. Then when you get to a place where things are slow, you feel like you're doing something wrong. We prayed everyday for direction, wondering how we could reach out to those around us, but not much happened.

Then things started to happen, and all at once. Of course I couldn't write about any of it because it wasn't about people in the neighborhood, or people we met elsewhere. Drama was happening on the "inside" and it was too personal and hazardous and mysterious to tell anyone about. So here I sit, still unable to share much of what we struggle with and pray about, but there was a small bit that I can and will share with you now.

Ayala gave birth. That is a statement that we have waited long to say. I've never gone past my due date with any of my 3 kids so the very thought of going 12 days past seemed to me like the worst thing you could ever endure. Never the less, 12 days late, little Naomi is coaxed into the world. Aya was having a hard time in the last weeks of her pregnancy. If I were in her place I'd have had the same feelings of "everyone else gets to have a nice birth", and "why is God doing this to me" that she seemed to struggle with. We prayed for her a lot. On top of being late, she was also dealing with family issues that were weighing on her. But no matter how much we prayed or how many tricks we had her try, she was just not going into labor naturally.

Finally, her and Stephen decided that it was time to induce labor. Ariel started her induction Wednesday morning, by 3 pm she was finally starting to have contractions. At midnight she was complete and ready to push. At this point I should tell you that little Naomi for weeks had been going from one bad position to another. So by the time Ayala started to push, Naomi was posterior. She pushed and pushed for hours. They made her change positions and tried every other trick they could think of, but this baby was not budging. 4:30am rolls around and they decided there was no more they could do and Aya was exhausted, they were taking her to the hospital.

We both have these fears of hospitals and inductions, but God loves to push us into situations where we have to trust Him and Him alone. He did that for Ayala, and that kind of stretching is never easy to watch. This time however, her struggles gave me hope. I laid in my bed at this time thinking about how Ayala is so organized, and she has all her ducks in a row. She always has a plan for the day, always gets things done in a timely manner, but with this birth, no one but God was going to get the glory. And He did. Around 5:30 the doctors performed a Cesarean on Aya and brought her new baby into the world, all 9lbs 8oz of her. A healthy baby and a very relieved mommy.

"How did God get the glory?" you may ask, well I'll tell you. You cannot look at this birth and think that any one person made it turn out okay. No, you can only look at this birth and think God did this, and wasn't it beautiful?! Because of the way this turned out, Ariel cannot feel like she did something wrong (she did all she could), Stephen can't say he didn't pray enough (he prayed every prayer he could), Ayala can't feel that she wasn't trying hard enough (she pushed till she was spent). God did it all. We just couldn't see it at the time. He pushed her past anything she thought she could endure, and she'll be stronger for it. God asked of her what he asks of us all, a ruthless trust, a trust that abandons reason and dives blindly over the edge only. He also wants us to need him. If children came out of us and were like sea turtles, not needing us for food, protection or even direction, then we would have a seriously deep need to be needed. I don't know if that made sense, all I mean is that if we had it all together and everything was always a happy ending then we wouldn't need God. And if we didn't need God then we'd never get to feel what it's like to rest in Him. Now, I don't have any idea what to expect with my birth but I can go on with my pregnancy knowing that there is a very good hospital 5 minutes away, God is leading this show and no matter where we end up we'll be okay, No, we'll be better than okay, we'll be different, we'll learn something new, we'll find ourselves leaning on God and we'll jump another fear hurdle. God is so good!

"I have but one candle of life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light" -- John Keith Falconer

"People who do not know the Lord ask why in the world we waste our lives as missionaries. They forget that they too are expending their lives ... and when the bubble has burst, they will have nothing of eternal significance to show for the years they have wasted." -- Nate Saint, missionary martyr

I read these quotes the other day and they really struck me. I never had an interest in missions as a kid. I grew up in church but I hardly gave a thought to those missionaries that we gave our tithes to every month. When a missionary couple would come speak at our church I would think, 'that's nice that they are doing all of that, but I want to have a life, I want to have kids and DON'T want to die in some remote jungle far away from everything I love.'

Now I live in Rose Creek Village and missionaries live next door, they teach on Sundays, they are my friends, but I still have a self-preservation in me that keeps the thought of going out far from me. Now that I have kids, I want to keep them safe. Maybe that's ok for now,maybe this is where God wants me to be. I still have a lot to learn. I don't think that God wants everyone to go to a foreign land, there is still much need right here, but I defiantly don't want to waste my years. Nor do I want to burn up my candle where it is not needed. I don't know where I will end up in the future, God is always surprising me, but I will be willing to go where ever he sends me. What else was I created for if not to do his will?

Happy Birthday!!

Today is Karissa's 1st birthday!!! Happy birthday Cuteness!