updates

   Ok guys, I know that last blog was pretty depressing so I'll give you a happy update. We finally got a midwife!! Her name is Lynda Hoskins and she delivered 2 of April Parkerson's kids when she lived here in Memphis. We couldn't have asked for a better situation. Lynda came down in price for us (which midwives NEVER do, they don't want to compete with one another), and she's as sweet as pie! She's old school like Ammah and likes to be pretty "hands off", which is exactly what I like. Jeff and I feel really good about her and really feel like God has led us in this direction. And she does waterbirths (ya!!).
   Abba and Nathaniel came out Thursday and gave us some very inspiring things. There was a lot of talk about just going out and trying stuff to see where God's ppl are. (i.e. go to church, a concert, start a neighborhood bible study) They just said make a move in any direction and we'll start to get out of this depressing slump we've been in. Abba actually asked at one point if we ever felt neglected out here! I just about fell out of my seat! I emphatically shook my head 'yes' and thought "he must have read my blog". But I don't think he did, he just knew what we were all feeling. It made me feel better instantly to think that we haven't been forgotten. Anyway, Abba also said that we don't need to walk around thinking that we are here just to build a church. I know for some of us, that really took some pressure off. It's a whole lot more feasible to try and touch individual lives that we see in our day, then it is to try and start a church. That does seem like a lot of pressure. Not that God doesn't want a church here, I think what he's saying is that we need to think small. The Memphis gatehouse would look like a complete failure to most. Let's face it, the only lives they've touched here have all left. But it's not been for nothing. We are seed planters right now. They put a seed into Randy and Beth, Tim and Rustie, the folks in Millington and I believe that God will do something with that in His own timing.
   We've got some rearranging to do here. We have one house with only one family and the other is cramped full of kids. Not to mention the rent being split only 3 ways now instead of 5 (ouch!!). So change is on the horizon, and change is always good. Our God is good and He always provides. Please continue to pray for us and I'll keep you posted. Love you guys!!

Prayers...

Please keep us in your prayers. We are having a hard time trying to find God about our birth. Not too many options and all of them come with some amount of sacrifice. And I'm having a hard time trusting Jeff and God. I sometimes feel like everyone is against me in this birth drama. I've never in my life regretted being pregnant, but it's been happening a lot lately. I don't like feeling this way toward my own child. I didn't plan for any of this to happen but here we are and I just can't see God anywhere. Also please call me or come see me sometime. I miss my friends a lot. I am already pretty emotional just being pregnant, but add to that all the stress of these birth decisions, homeschooling, people moving away, and helping to carry the house next door... I really need my friends. Don't get me wrong, I love Rushie and Aya, but when no one from the village has intentionally contacted you in weeks, it starts to feel like you've been forgotten. I know I could call more, I just get busy and forget to call until it's too late at night. I'm sure that's half the reason ya'll don't call. Just don't forget us out here. Especially now when I think we all feel a bit needy. Love you guys!

Life in Memphis

I've been wanting to write about our life in Memphis for some time now, but for a long time there was nothing happening. No drama at all, just business as usual. It's amazing how you get used to drama on a daily basis. Then when you get to a place where things are slow, you feel like you're doing something wrong. We prayed everyday for direction, wondering how we could reach out to those around us, but not much happened.

Then things started to happen, and all at once. Of course I couldn't write about any of it because it wasn't about people in the neighborhood, or people we met elsewhere. Drama was happening on the "inside" and it was too personal and hazardous and mysterious to tell anyone about. So here I sit, still unable to share much of what we struggle with and pray about, but there was a small bit that I can and will share with you now.

Ayala gave birth. That is a statement that we have waited long to say. I've never gone past my due date with any of my 3 kids so the very thought of going 12 days past seemed to me like the worst thing you could ever endure. Never the less, 12 days late, little Naomi is coaxed into the world. Aya was having a hard time in the last weeks of her pregnancy. If I were in her place I'd have had the same feelings of "everyone else gets to have a nice birth", and "why is God doing this to me" that she seemed to struggle with. We prayed for her a lot. On top of being late, she was also dealing with family issues that were weighing on her. But no matter how much we prayed or how many tricks we had her try, she was just not going into labor naturally.

Finally, her and Stephen decided that it was time to induce labor. Ariel started her induction Wednesday morning, by 3 pm she was finally starting to have contractions. At midnight she was complete and ready to push. At this point I should tell you that little Naomi for weeks had been going from one bad position to another. So by the time Ayala started to push, Naomi was posterior. She pushed and pushed for hours. They made her change positions and tried every other trick they could think of, but this baby was not budging. 4:30am rolls around and they decided there was no more they could do and Aya was exhausted, they were taking her to the hospital.

We both have these fears of hospitals and inductions, but God loves to push us into situations where we have to trust Him and Him alone. He did that for Ayala, and that kind of stretching is never easy to watch. This time however, her struggles gave me hope. I laid in my bed at this time thinking about how Ayala is so organized, and she has all her ducks in a row. She always has a plan for the day, always gets things done in a timely manner, but with this birth, no one but God was going to get the glory. And He did. Around 5:30 the doctors performed a Cesarean on Aya and brought her new baby into the world, all 9lbs 8oz of her. A healthy baby and a very relieved mommy.

"How did God get the glory?" you may ask, well I'll tell you. You cannot look at this birth and think that any one person made it turn out okay. No, you can only look at this birth and think God did this, and wasn't it beautiful?! Because of the way this turned out, Ariel cannot feel like she did something wrong (she did all she could), Stephen can't say he didn't pray enough (he prayed every prayer he could), Ayala can't feel that she wasn't trying hard enough (she pushed till she was spent). God did it all. We just couldn't see it at the time. He pushed her past anything she thought she could endure, and she'll be stronger for it. God asked of her what he asks of us all, a ruthless trust, a trust that abandons reason and dives blindly over the edge only. He also wants us to need him. If children came out of us and were like sea turtles, not needing us for food, protection or even direction, then we would have a seriously deep need to be needed. I don't know if that made sense, all I mean is that if we had it all together and everything was always a happy ending then we wouldn't need God. And if we didn't need God then we'd never get to feel what it's like to rest in Him. Now, I don't have any idea what to expect with my birth but I can go on with my pregnancy knowing that there is a very good hospital 5 minutes away, God is leading this show and no matter where we end up we'll be okay, No, we'll be better than okay, we'll be different, we'll learn something new, we'll find ourselves leaning on God and we'll jump another fear hurdle. God is so good!

"I have but one candle of life to burn, and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness than in a land flooded with light" -- John Keith Falconer

"People who do not know the Lord ask why in the world we waste our lives as missionaries. They forget that they too are expending their lives ... and when the bubble has burst, they will have nothing of eternal significance to show for the years they have wasted." -- Nate Saint, missionary martyr

I read these quotes the other day and they really struck me. I never had an interest in missions as a kid. I grew up in church but I hardly gave a thought to those missionaries that we gave our tithes to every month. When a missionary couple would come speak at our church I would think, 'that's nice that they are doing all of that, but I want to have a life, I want to have kids and DON'T want to die in some remote jungle far away from everything I love.'

Now I live in Rose Creek Village and missionaries live next door, they teach on Sundays, they are my friends, but I still have a self-preservation in me that keeps the thought of going out far from me. Now that I have kids, I want to keep them safe. Maybe that's ok for now,maybe this is where God wants me to be. I still have a lot to learn. I don't think that God wants everyone to go to a foreign land, there is still much need right here, but I defiantly don't want to waste my years. Nor do I want to burn up my candle where it is not needed. I don't know where I will end up in the future, God is always surprising me, but I will be willing to go where ever he sends me. What else was I created for if not to do his will?

Happy Birthday!!

Today is Karissa's 1st birthday!!! Happy birthday Cuteness!

Our birth stories

I never know how to start these things and I really want to get something specific across without getting lost in details. I'm not a great writer nor am I good with grammar so please, bear with me. I guess I'll start at the beginning.

I've always wanted to be a mom. I met Jeff when he was 19 and I was 15 (almost 16). My friend at church was really interested in him and wanted to "go out" with him. They went on one date and he decided that he didn't really like her, he liked me. We dated for 2 years, we were engaged for 1 year. We got married on May 6th, 2000 in a little chapel behind the biggest baptist church in Orlando. I remember driving to Virginia, where we had our honeymoon, and having a conversation with Jeff about when we should start a family. We came to the conclusion that neither of us wanted to wait. We both loved kids and we were young and stupid so what have we got to lose.

I got pregnant about a month later. Then a week after I found out I was pregnant I began to miscarry. The doctor had endless reasons for why it happened, my job had me lifting heavy pots, Rh incompatibility, but what ever the reason it didn't change the fact that the baby was gone.

We decided to try again as soon as possible. We were successful! We got pregnant again, with a boy, and he was due a month after our first anniversary. I had a good pregnancy. I gained about 55 lbs. (which I never lost!!) probably because I craved things like hot dogs and slurpees, but things were all normal and went well until about 39 weeks. My blood pressure went really high and my doctor sent me straight to the hospital to be induced. It was a weird feeling to walk into a hospital room feeling pretty normal and know that I'm about to be in a LOT of pain. I'll never forget that feeling.

They started the pitocin drip right away and it was rough! Artificial contractions are awful, I asked for pain meds shortly there after. I don't remember much after they gave me the stadol. I also got an epidural. The nurses kept telling me,"Oh this is your first baby, you'll be in labor for 12 hours or more". I started pushing after 6 hours. Brandon Lee Milam was born about 15 minutes later. 8lbs and 4oz of cuteness. We named him after the actor Brandon Lee (son of Bruce Lee)who had been killed several years earlier.

About 6 weeks after Brandon's birth, we met the Cullimores. John and Yvonne Cullimore had gotten married the day before Brandon was born. John worked with Jeff at Long's Christian bookstore. We became good friends and about 5 months later we moved in together. Jeff and I had been living with my parents and the Cullimores were living in a tiny studio apartment in the back of an elderly couple's house. So, we were all anxious to do something different. I'm not sure what we were thinking, I don't think any of us could have anticipated how hard it was gonna be but we endured and made it thru 6 months of living together and then moved to Grabill IN. together. 2 months after the move we separated from the Cullimores.

During this time, Jeff and I had been trying in vain to get pregnant again. It was very frustrating to take test after test and they all turn out negative. We tried getting pregnant for about a year and then I mentioned to my doctor that we'd been having trouble getting pregnant. He suggested we try a round of fertility meds (Clomid). It worked the first month! In the midst of the coldest winter in Fort Wayne IN. since 1978, our next child entered the scene.

We moved back to Florida and back in with my parents, when I was about 6 months pregnant. I decided that with this baby I wanted to try giving birth at a birthing center instead of hospital. I felt quite dissatisfied about my hospital experience with Brandon. I hardly remember any of the details of his birth (the stadol did that) and was annoyed that my family had to leave the room when he was born. I was hoping to try a water birth.

September 15th is Jeff's birthday, I was due September 25th. I had little faith that the baby would come on his daddy's birthday, but at 4am on September 15th my water broke. I woke up basically in active labor. I got to the birthing center and tried using the tub but I couldn't handle sitting down. I stood up my entire labor, until I starting feeling like I should push. At 8am our 2nd son Noah Davis Milam came into the world. 7lbs. and 3oz. and 2 webbed toes. He was adorable! Noah means comfort or rest and Davis is a family name and it means beloved.

When Noah was around 4 months old I started looking into becoming a surrogate mother. I enjoyed being pregnant and had fast, easy labors. Not to mention, surrogate usually got about $10,000 or more for their services. I wasn't really after the money though, I really felt that I could help someone. Jeff is a good singer and songwriter, but what did I have? I knew that this was one thing that I was good at and so thought it was maybe a gift that God intended me to share. We were connected to a couple that lived about 30 mins away. They were sweet but had had some bad experiences with other surrogates so they were stand-offish. We tried in-vitro but none of the embryos took. They spent a year looking for an egg donor while I lived in limbo unable to help them and unable to have more kids of my own.

We got a call from John and Yvonne one day saying that they had found this great place in Selmer, TN where people actually act like real Christians. They told us to check out the website. Rose Creek Village was the name and at first glance I had some serious opinions. They looked like any other group of boring home-schoolers that tragically make their own clothes. Floral jumpers and beards as far as the eye could see, but they were happy. Not your normal "smile for the camera" happy, but truly joyful. That's probably the only positive thing I got from my first glance at the website. The Cullimore's are our friends, probably our only friends at this point in our life, so we drove to Selmer, TN to check out their new abode.

Well, we fell in love with the people there and thankfully they had moved on to wearing more normal attire. We moved to the village in April 2006. I was still waiting for the surrogacy to get underway and things started moving shortly after we did. I started taking the meds again to ready myself for the next in-vitro attempt. It was awful! The new meds I was on were making me crazy. I started having second thoughts, and Jeff was getting baby fever. So, we decided that we should not go through with the surrogacy. I wrote the intended parents and terminated my contract. It was very hard. They were very upset, understandably so. I don't think I'll ever forget how I hurt them, I hope they got the family they were looking for.

Once again we started trying to get pregnant with our own baby and once again I couldn't. Month after disappointing month went by with no positive results. I took herbs, herbs and more herbs and they did nothing. I finally went to the doctor. She said that the meds I took while I was a surrogate could shut down my system for 2 years! I was shocked and really ticked off. It had been about a year since I had been off those meds so I still had a year to recover. My doctor had me take Clomid (like I had with Noah).

4 rounds of Clomid later and I was living with Paul and Tipharah, a young, busy couple that had no kids yet. (We'd been in the same house together for about 2 years) They called me into their room one Sunday after a gathering. They told me that they were expecting a baby and once I got past the initial shock, I had the thought that I might also be pregnant. They left the house and I went straight over to Ariel's (my midwife) house to take a test. There alone in her bathroom I found out about the existence of our next baby. It was the only time in my life I ever sobbed for joy.

So in the village at this time, there were a lot of pregnant ladies! 8 total I believe. 4 of us were due in January within the same 2 weeks. All of us "January moms" wanted to have water births. Keep in mind that there is only one birthing tub in the village and only 2 midwives on the land. It was a great time to be pregnant though. To get to share the experience with so many of my friends, it was my favorite pregnancy thus far. Then I found out that I was finally having a girl!! I had always wanted a girl, even my boys were praying for a sister.

I was due January 19th but I thought for sure that the baby would come sooner since both of the boys were early. Well, she turned out to be very punctual. I went to bed late on the 18th and was woke up regularly with contractions, but since that had been happening for weeks, it took me a few hours to really believe it. I got up and called Ariel around 4am, I was in active labor. She came over and started setting up the tub. Now let me just interject something here, being a plumbers daughter. Our plumbing was in need of help. Our water heater was ridiculous and our septic was in desperate need of servicing. That being said, you can imagine the difficulty we had trying to quickly fill up a huge birthing tub with warm water.

My doula was Ashima, she was my biggest help with pain management. I highly recommend the use of a doula either during labor or during recovery. I had a ton of back labor, not that the baby was turned wrong necessarily, just that my back was where I felt my contractions the worse. 2 hours after my call to Ariel and I was wanting to push. The tub was ready so I got in and I personally delivered our first daughter, Karissa Malina Ariel Milam. She was very peaceful and sweet weighing in at 8lbs. 9oz. We were going to name her Isabella Ariel but that name just didn't fit her. Karissa means Long-Suffering, Malina means Peace and Ariel means Lioness of God. We suffered 2 years of waiting for her then God was faithful and brought us peace.

Karissa was born on a Monday, the next January baby was Aliyah, born on Saturday. Then Corbin on Sunday and finally Vesper on Monday. All 4 born in 8 days. Oh and just a little side note, they ended up digging up and pumping our septic tank, (which was right outside our bedroom window) the day she was born. Oh well, I had a healthy, perfect little girl so all was well.